Grief Support

Children & Grief

How do you explain the death of a loved one to a child?

‍Death is a natural occurrence, and experts believe that children, even very young ones, should not be shielded from the death of a loved one. Children can recognize death as an event and have the curiosity to ask questions about it. The general advice is to speak to the child in a simple and honest manner, using age-appropriate language.

Start by asking questions to determine what the child already knows about the situation. Then, explain the situation to them in a straightforward and honest way. For example, you might say, "Grandma's heart became too weak and stopped working, so she died."

It's essential to avoid answers that may confuse or scare the child, such as "Grandma went to sleep and won't wake up" or "God took Grandma to be with the angels." While these phrases are intended to comfort and calm, the child might interpret them more literally. For instance, the child could develop a fear of going to sleep, thinking the same thing might happen to them.

Allow the child to ask questions if they want, but don't pressure them if they don't respond. Younger children might ask questions like "Where is Grandma now?" or "Is my kitty in heaven?" Older children may understand the finality of death more fully and ask more abstract questions related to faith and the meaning of life.

For any age group, provide truthful, simple answers that the child can comprehend.

‍Grief and children
A child's age and emotional development will influence how they experience grief.

‍Ages 2 to 7
Children up to 7 years of age typically view death as a separation event, which may cause them to feel abandoned and frightened. They might fear being alone and may not want to sleep alone at night or go to school.

Since children this young often lack the verbal skills to express their feelings, they may "act out" through behaviors such as temper tantrums, refusal to obey adults, or engaging in imaginative play and role-playing. Other behaviors, usually exhibited by children between the ages of 2 and 5, may include disruptions in eating, sleeping, toileting, or bed-wetting. Very young children under the age of 2 may suddenly refuse to talk and become more irritable overall.

Ages 7 to 12
Children in this age group start to understand death as a permanent event. They may see death as a personal threat to their safety, and they might develop a fear of dying themselves. They may adopt "preventive" behaviors to "protect" themselves from death, such as aligning with someone they believe can protect them, or focusing on being "brave" or "good." Others may simply withdraw socially and/or emotionally from others.

Symptoms may include difficulties concentrating on schoolwork, following directions, and performing daily tasks.

‍Teens

‍While teenagers perceive death similarly to adults, they may express their grief differently. They may react in more dramatic ways or adopt reckless behaviors in an attempt to "defy" death. Reckless driving, smoking, drinking alcohol, taking illegal drugs, or engaging in unprotected sex may all be forms of "acting out" their anxieties and feelings of grief.

Thoughts of suicide may be present in a teen struggling to process their loss. Warning signs of suicide in children and teens may include a preoccupation with death, having thoughts or openly talking about suicide, or giving away belongings.

Parents of teens who have lost a loved one should be aware of any changes in their child's behavior and seek professional counseling immediately if they believe their child may be in danger.